I used to be indecisive…

…and nothing’s fucken’ changed. Still don’t know where I want to be, what I want to do, whether this is better than that or if the grass is greener underwater or whatever. But what I do know is that I’m taking pains to put some time into writing whatever crap happens to be in my head, regularly. The typists equivalent of verbal diarrhoea, I guess. For today that means I’ll be putting a couple lines down on each hour, just of random thoughts, virtually unfiltered by logic or reason, pretty much just a log of what I’m doing. So.

7am – Poopin’. Bit of mobile gaming, then shower, then I realise I’m not pushed for time and lay on the bed in a towel smashing some Clash of Clans. Thinking of how nice it would be to be able to do that all day instead of the tedium of paperwork that is my usual job. Realise I should probably get dressed and be a little less horizontal.

8:05am – Slightly late for work. Give a shit. Open up gmail and bbc news, not because I expect anything that interesting, more as a distraction and habit than anything. Fight a moment of despair looking at the piles of paperwork around me, realise that I don’t really care that much, move on.

9am – Paperwork looks a little more organised. Hard to say if progress has been made, though. Allow myself my first coffee, tastes delicious. Would I be able to function without? Hard to say. Contemplating the effects of caffeine versus the actual taste and smell of it. Spend a moment missing when I worked earlies at Chooks and Spoons, the times when there was just me and the coffee machine and I would sit down with a book or notebook, a double espresso and a biscuit, looking out the window at the world.

10am – Done a little more work, paperwork looking better, more gets dumped on the desk, back to square one. Ah well. Looked at a couple houses on rightmove. Affordable ones today, not my usual ‘let’s look at what I’d get if I won the lottery’ monstrosities. Like this. Move on to looking at iPads and laptops, because I like material things. Briefly think of getting one for A as a surprise, partly because I’m nice and want her to have one, partly cos I like buying stuff. Realise she’d probably kill me for spending that much, move on.

11am – I’m now overdue my usual stretching of the legs. My reasoning behind holding off is

  • I’m not currently busy or being asked for stuff
  • I don’t need the toilet
  • It could be raining and I’m too lazy to check

I read a blog the back end of last week about writing(usually my style, read about the process rather than try to actually do the process) so I googled a book mentioned by her. Slightly comedic and sartorial but I’m tempted to buy it, since I’m engaged by the little excerpt that I found on amazon. It also mentions a writer rising at 530am to write articles on places visited. I could do without the 530 bullshit but might try my hand at an article. I have been to several places. I think.

12pm – Welcome to the afternoon. I love catalogues. Even ‘boring’ ones like stationary catalogues. That isn’t actually fair, since I have a longstanding affair with stationary. A blank moleskine, full of potential genius, a HB pencil, a nice stabilo finemarker. Mmmm. I might love stationary too much. IF such a thing were possible. Ridiculous. Still haven’t been for that walk yet – it IS raining. Could still go. I’m finding myself looking forward to each hour mark, though as yet I’m to pinpoint exactly why. Still tempted to join the forces but still unsure. Par for the course.

1pm – I did go for a little walk after all, and yes it was slightly damp. Nothing like a real lunch break, but then again I don’t do a great deal of work to deserve one, plus if it looks like I work through lunch, I tend to get away earlier on a friday. Positives. Usually this time of the day has me craving burritos, whereas today I’m thinking salad. Don’t know why, but I crave freshness. Luckily I have strawberries. Close enough. 

2pm – Quickfire meeting announced which is always fun. Or dreadful, if you want to be truthful. Most of it was spent thinking about Cricket and Crash Bandicoot, both of which I’d rather be playing right now. Both give me a nice flavour of nostalgia, and I distinctly remember being pretty good at both.

3pm – Meeting over, boredom resumes. The drudgery of the day is inspiring of poetry. Not good poetry, mind you, the poetry equivalent of those blocky 60’s concrete buildings, about as evocative as a slug. Not even a slug doing something, living life to the full. You know, a dull slug. Boring slug.

4pm – Woo, almost hometime. I’m slightly numb around the brain (and empty round the stomach) so cannot wait to leave this prison. Day hasn’t been too terrible though. Haven’t accomplished much actual work, but my mood is alright and I feel relatively inspired to do some useful stuff at home. How useful I’m not so sure, will check back in an hour or so.

5pm – That took longer than usual. Had to pick my mother up from work. The perk is that I get to use her car for next to nothing money-wise, the drawback is I’m virtually a chauffeur when necessary.That useful mood talked about just there ^ has fled a little, but I’ll have time to myself in a bit so we’ll see what happens.

6pm – The heart is willing but the head is all ‘Meh’ so I’m gonna have a feed and re-assess. I’m not gonna have a drink tonight (even though that usually helps creativity for me) in the hopes that it makes my sleep later a little sleepier. You know what I mean.

7pm – I ate and now am by myself. The use I put this time to? Simpsons and memes. At least they’re dank.

8pm – Still no movement. I’m still on my little notebook, however, so there is hope. It might be faint and in vain, but it is there nonetheless. I also didn’t do any of the other shit I had written down to do, which is a shame, but there wasn’t a great deal that was urgent on there, more little tidying things. Writing was going to be the one.

9pm –  No longer alone! The lovely Amie is here now. She didn’t bring any productivity with her, but she at least has cooperated by putting some awful medical programme on the TV, which I have no intention of watching, so might provide a good background noise for me.

10pm – Partial success! A couple words have appeared on page. Not a great deal, but enough that it’s a start. I got past one of the hurdles I’d created for myself, too, so I’d say it’s strong for continuation. I’m not even sure that means anything to anybody not living in my skull, but it works for me.

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