Bad Brain Day

I’m having one. You know when you’re on the verge of just saying ‘nope, not today’ and not getting out from the warm embrace of your duvet? Then when you make it past that horrific step, you find yourself in the shower just staring at nothing and letting the water bounce off you, knowing this is the most fun you will have until you’re back at home and can collapse into the sofa? Side effects include boredom, loss of focus, and asking ‘Do I really need this job?’ silently.

So yeah, not a great start to the Monday morning. Ah well, what’s new. I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on that odd faux-diary-day-log thing I did a few weeks ago. Turns out I waste a lot of time. Well, I waste a lot of time anyway, but what I mean is I’m wasting work time, fair enough, but the personal time gained by that, even at work, could be put towards something useful. Like learning to code or WRITING. You know, that thing I want to do full time. I think.

So you can obviously guess where I’m writing this from.

The worst part about having a bad brain day today is that I’ve had a relaxed couple of weeks, where nothing has really gotten to me. Not enough to matter, anyway. My brother even graduated the week before last, which was cool. He did better than I ever did, and he’s also doing something he really enjoys. Not making my mistakes and doing something I didn’t enjoy but (mistakenly) thought I was good at. That way leads to, well, this hole I find myself in.

The question I find I’m faced with, which is stopping me from moving forward, is what do I want to do. Every time I stop and think about it I come up blank. There are a lot of yeah, maybe things. Some okay, probably things. Mostly though, the response is ‘meh’. Which is pretty frustrating. I’m having to take time to organise what needs doing before I can free myself up to give the problem time.

For instance; I want to learn new things. The main thing stopping me is money, but I know there is stuff I can learn (the aforementioned code, for one) for free. Why can’t I do this now? My home environment is not suitable for solitary time or learning time. I can’t even set up my desktop. So this upgrades the house-buying front to be even more urgent. Which has the knock on effect of meaning I can’t leave this job for fear of being rejected for a mortgage. The trouble then, is that house buying is frickin’ hard work. Imagine trying to choose somewhere to eat with your partner. Multiply it by a fuckin’ million and you’re some of the way there.

Adulting is hard.

PS Coffee ran out this morning so I’m a little cranky.

 

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