I love lists. Properly love them. I’ve got lists for music I want to listen to, places I want to travel, recipes to cook, films to watch, things I’d like to buy, to-do lists, to think-about lists, lists of work that need doing, lists of possible jobs I might enjoy, lists of degrees I’m eligible for a loan for. Lots of lists. I’m pretty good at this point at making lists.
What I’m struggling to do at the minute, is make a start on any of these lists. The limiting factor on the surface would be time. But I’ve logged a couple of my days and let me tell you, there is a lot of time wasted. Consistently and properly. On a daily basis I probably spend more time looking at food menus for places I’ve already been (and enjoyed – wouldn’t look at a crappy menu, after all) than I spend listening to music. Which is pretty sad when you think about it. It used to be that on a daily basis I’d listen to 8 hours straight of whatever-the-hell-I-felt-like, then go home and have something really chillsy in the background whilst I actually made some progress in my life.
The difference, then, is the living situation and me feeling comfortable. But that is extremely unfair. I likely could still get away with music on tap at work. Then again at home. So what’s stopping me? The sight of my surroundings?
What I’m starting to think now is simply that complacency is setting in. I’m so close to the goal I’ve nursed for a number of years, i.e. having a house, and getting to pursue the next goal, that I’m just in a state of constant impatience and mentally already there. It’s so close to being achieved that I’m no longer working towards that, and I’m virtually free to pursue something else I want. Which means basically that my head is up my arse, I have no desire to pursue progress at work in a career I don’t want, I’m weighing up the money I need and the lifestyle I want, against different jobs I’d enjoy more that would nudge my admittedly juvenile mind into alignment with what I actually want to do. Which is about as fluid as it could be right now.
I need to:
- Find some motivation
- Stop second guessing myself
- Focus on things one step at a time
- Stick in until each goal is reached
- Extract head from arse
- Think about what I want
- Think about what I enjoy
See, I told you I fucking love lists.