Power

So. It’s been a little while since I added anything. and on a quick glance, the last addition was pretty positive and upbeat for me, an amateur melodramatic. Even I can spot my head’s up my ass.

I’ve picked power as a title for little reason other that I felt completely powerless a couple hours ago. I was low. Yup, just got denied a mortgage, then when looking into why, find a defaulted debt that was unknown previously. Regardless of whose fault it is, or the amount, it effectively ruins mine and my partner’s chances of getting a decent mortgage. So far as I know, it could stop us getting one for a reasonable chunk of time. It stops our plans to be in a new home, which we love, before Christmas. It knocks all of the careful furniture and layout planning out of whack. It means I have extra stress trying to fix this, which means I likely won’t be pursuing any hobbies for a while. It puts a downer on us just before our time off work. It ties me into the job I intensely dislike for a bit longer. It robs us of almost all the high we had going from being so close to getting a house that was bigger and better than any we’d hoped to get. So yeah, low.

And what got me thinking was how little I can do, at this point, to remedy this situation. I can appeal that we didn’t get the deal we wanted, but having a very poor credit report basically means that hah, can’t have it. Settling the amount, no matter if it is actually owed by me, or is in dispute, or whatever, has no effect for at least 6 weeks since on paper it’s my default, my liability. All I can do is wait, see and hope.

Yes, I had a sulk. I went for a run and got that little endorphin rush to try and help. I spoke to the mortgage advisor, spoke to my partner, spoke to my dad, was comforted by my mother, sorted out what I needed to do, what I could do, did it, then carried on with life.

Yeah, this is a pretty big setback. One of the biggest I’ve had. But I’m almost used to them now, right? I messed up my A-levels. Had to repeat a year at Uni. Flunked out. Got given the leave-or-you-will-be-sacked ultimatum. Moved the length of the country. Kept going with a job I hate. Now I’ve been refused a mortgage. Setbacks-r-us.

To date, I have cracked on each time, and that is exactly what will happen now. I’ve had my sulk. I’ve gotten a bit angry. I’ve let it pass. And now, yeah I’m still burnt up a little bit, but mentally I’ve grit my teeth, rolled my shoulders, and will be pressing on. I’ve done what I can for now, and I have a plan for what comes next. I know what I want out of it, and, more or less, how to get that. This is within my power to do.

I’m not entirely sure it’s failure that defines us. I think it’s more about mental fortitude surrounding our failures. You could take a hit and give up. You could take a hit and not notice it. Hell, you could alternate between giving up, soldiering on, and drinking the pain away. Whatever. If you can recognise that you are wholly capable of taking each beating and overcoming it, then you have such power, that in your own mind, you can move mountains. Keep battling it. Do what you can. Gain control, and use it as a foothold to gain more.

So yeah, that’s what I did tonight. I took a hit. Had my sulk, had my cry, got angry. And now I’ve rolled my sleeves up and will move forward, whatever comes next.

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