02/04

Happy second of April. And New Year. And Happy Birthday me for like…January. And happy unemployment! Also me. Welcome to the newest set of problems to overcome.

All right, enough whining. Normal service resumed. Preferably with less upheaval.

With all the free time I now find myself with, I’m noticing a lot more that I have some serious frickin’ issues with concentration. It’s feasible I could be smashing out hundreds of iterations of resumes or putting every ounce of my mental capacity into writing, or studying, or figuring out what the hell I enjoy and trying to make a career out of it. ‘Cos that’s another thing; I have no clue what I want to do.

I’m certain this isn’t something that’s unique to me at all, rather, it’s almost a niche that hits people in their 20’s who may not be as steady or happy or well off as some of their peers. I do know that every single person on this earth hides parts of themselves and gives off a better appearance than their mental health might suggest, but that’s like knowing ‘everything will improve with time’. Not exactly fuckin’ helpful. And also, given not everyone is as happy as it seems, it stands to reason that more people than originally thought are experiencing a similar doubting of self and purpose. Maybe I’m just the one daft enough to whinge about it, and put it into words (knowing full well someone else will already have done it better, and therefore maybe writing for a living isn’t something for me to pursue).

Eh, ah well. I’ll figure it out. Today’s post was brought to you by crippling boredom (™) and a mild effort to do something to oppose such.

17 Oct Progress Report

That shit sounds official as hell. Complete opposite of me, which is alright, I know I’m not ever going to end up as some stuck up, starched collar CEO running around the big money districts of the world. Couldn’t stand it. The money that would come with it, sure, but not the job itself. Or the dedication and slack morals needed to get there.

I feel like I’m moving in the right direction though. For me, anyway. This last week or so I’ve mostly maintained a positive mindset. I might not have achieved anything, but I enjoyed myself for most of the time I wasn’t working. Which is a step forward.

I’ve even started to changed my stock responses to the constant question of ‘How is work?’, which I get asked more than once a day, by people who in the past have had responses on the theme of ‘shit’, ‘awful’, and, sometimes, ‘apocalyptic’. Which might be a slight exaggeration. The stock response now is; ‘it’s a fantastic opportunity’, which, in a way, it is. It gives me an adequate amount of time to exercise, to write, to think. I have enough money that I can go out to eat with my partner, or friends. I can buy some drinks, or a game, or (god-help-me) some shoes, without really thinking about it. Staying there long enough would even likely lead to more raises.

I love the above as an example of the effects of small positive changes. Just by changing the way I respond to a question that is asked often, makes me think of it slightly differently. Possibly not enough to completely change my dislike of it, but instead of abject hatred, the emotion I feel towards it right now, is more of a…a tolerance. Yes I don’t enjoy it, but for now, it’s enough of an opportunity to sit back and put some work into hobbies and possible futures. It’s enough.

But I don’t want to confuse tolerance with laying down and simply accepting this as my lot. No. Never could I do that. Instead, the effect (overall, not that single positive change) on me has been a little more palpable. I’m eating better, exercising better. Talking more. Thinking better. I have more drive to sit for an hour and write. I think I’m more relaxed. Slightly.

My concern at the minute is keeping this up. Every day at some point I go for a walk and think about what I’ve just been doing and what I need to do. Then I move on to what I want to do. Then to an almost daydream where I’m already doing what I want to do. It always ends with what I like to call a ‘fuck you’ smile. It doesn’t exactly reach the eyes and is otherwise the same as any other pleasant smile, but the way it feels in my head, is like a teeth-clenched, manic glee where I’m daring the world to get in my way. I will achieve what I damn well want to achieve and there’s not a thing you can do about it.

Back to work.